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Not Another Love Story!
Missing
Several years ago, I placed an ad in the newspaper, and found what I wanted. There is nothing unusual about that, except that I was after a soul-mate, not a used car. Having realised that there was no way in my current circumstances I was able to be physically ‘out there’ to look “available”, I thought to leave the process to our Higher Selves, the Light, fate, whatever.
I had realised that in order to be able to find/attract/snare the 'right' one, I had to know what it was that I was searching for. I had to also be the complement to that which I sought. I also had to be brave enough to trust that the higher aspects of our respective selves could work behind the scene, to direct him to look at this section of the paper, just at the time that my ad appeared. The next leap of faith was to trust that one placement was enough, the job being accomplished by the non -tangible aspects of who we were.
I chose to word the ad in such a way that he would be intrigued enough to respond, and others would be turned off by my oddness. And so it was. Speaking with him on the phone was like talking with a long lost friend. Asking him what he did in spare time, he answered ‘reading’. Someone definitely after my own heart!
Found!
As soon as I saw him, I knew that he filled the first criteria – no bells and whistles went off. What a relief! I had set goals in all of this - having realised that all previous relating had been done to a formula, knowing where that had led me I was after more. He did not set my heart aflutter.
Having read any number of books on the 'woundedness' of our 'inner child', and the process of recreating an aspect of the family we started from, I felt NOT being attracted could be the key. In fact, the more 'boring' he seemed to be at that level, possibly the better. Superficially, he was everything a person would walk away from. In the mate selection criteria - wealth, status, looks, power were all missing.
The attraction magnet that had determined my relating before, inevitably moved onto emotional fireworks, spectacular life changes, and dramas apparently unlimited, as submerged needs, (on both sides) kindled by expectations and assumptions (on both sides) were not met.
This time around, I felt ‘grown up’ enough to seek peace and harmony. A second run, where we went through life as co-partners, creating a base for external living within us, rather than the outside world being a haven from the relationship and hence inner turmoil.
What was there was an openness of heart. An immensely gentle, humble, vulnerable and accepting being who was totally there for himself/myself and us, to access. My second inner criteria was that he had to have had a life, as I had had. One where the edges had been worn off. One which had challenged all that had been presented to him as ‘reality’ as a child. One which had to forced him to remake himself.
There before me was someone who knew who and what he was. One who was on his own spiritual development path. One who respected his own journey, hence that of another. One who could operate past the spats and reactivity that usually marks the relating stage of a relationship. (The one after the 'falling in' love/ honeymoon stage).
To find someone who was capable of holding the knowingness of the our shared love and respect, the awareness of our joint inner processes and our intention to travel along the path together, regardless of the apparent story-line and the apparent superficial mishaps, was the desired outcome. Someone was capable of choosing to respond, rather than automatically reacting, via all the previous inner land-mines.
Here was someone who could go inside himself, and explore what lay behind the reactions that invariably appear as we all inadvertently go about our days. A special person who knew that I was in his life in order for him to feel motivated to go beyond external blame, and into the state of unconditional acceptance. Just as he was in mine, for the same end.
Those around me wanted to know how I worded this ad, so they could replicate the feat. They saw the ad placement as being the whole process, rather than it being the culmination of an immense amount of inner work. The decision to advertise was born of a faith that all was unfolding as it was to be. The conscious decision to explore all the inner spaces that such a one, with this one may uncover to experience. To become more of myself, through being all of me, with all of him.
All I had ever wanted. Total acceptance. Freedom to open, to express, to be loved and to love. No boundaries, no barriers, no secrets. We jelled together. Life was in colour, in this eternal ‘now’, and only got better. He and I were so in synch. Everything was as a fairy story. Two being as one.
Into another reality . . . .
Slowly, very different things, synchronicity plus began to happen. Once, whilst intimately connected, I saw a young Indian brave’s face superimposed upon his. I had made love with my wonderful lover, who, whilst still inside me, and DIRECTLY in front of me, morphed into another man. In my touching this new being, totally disbelieving the possibility of its presence, yet SEEING IT, and knowing it was ‘really’ the well-worn 50 year old visage of my Aussie lover, under me was a proud, Indian youth. But, I don’t do ‘cosmic’.inside me screamed – I leave that for the ‘air heads/hippies/New Agers. . . .
Another time, again in the height of passion, we were both whooshed off to somewhere else, returning hours later, rolling away from each other, remembering nothing till the next day, when we separately realised that there were bits/recollections missing. A few months later, happening again - these ripples in this ‘here’ being instigated by the connection we somehow stirred in being as the one as we were able to be. Far more joined on far more levels than the usual sexual union.
The rightness of being. The lightness of being. His being the other part of this one. Not in the love lorn two halves coming together script, but as two wholes coming together – two very powerful and different units merging, and magic being.
Within this unit, the dawning awareness of being more than ‘human’. Living out the external life, looking like everyone else. Pretending to be - yet a gradual leakage of other places, bits of memories of other existence altogether. An awareness that not being from here was attracting attention from elsewhere. The consequences being likened to a Star Wars type Sci Fi B grade movie, showing up at our house. Too weird to mention. Electrical, energetic, poltergeist and possession type occurrences becoming normal.
Extras
One weekend, some other energy completely took over the one who was so known, so loved, so gentle and so sensitive. The new one looked like himself, yet felt and acted like someone who did not know me, or I, he. So previously in tune, we were now total strangers, except he was/had landed in the body/life of my beloved. Less ‘in synch’ than a stranger straight off the street.
What to define this as? He thinks he is ‘he’, yet is not. He is so absurdly not ‘he’. Even arguing the point, by definition proves his non ‘he’ ness.
So who was ‘going mad?’ Who to tell? What to do?
It was as though a lost soul had superseded/taken over the one who was so very special. How can that be? Like a movie – I wake up to find a new companion. Me being the only one with the memories that had been our shared life. He with new takes and new meanings. Life off the rails, played out by his rules, or no game.
How to make sense of this nonsense? No one else – not even the only other apparent player - inhabited the reality I now lived. How does a reasonable, intelligent mind grapple with this?
Parallel Existences in this 'Here' and 'Now'
What if there is a leakage in dimensions? What if there is a glitch, and once we make it through to a certain part of this game, (we call ‘life’), different parameters, outer resetting and inner recallibrating occurs? What if we as conscious beings don’t accept that we are even playing a game? What if we do, and no-one else around us does?
How was I to stay sane? Others may have guides/spiritual teachers/helpers. I obviously elected to stay discreet. What sense to make? Assistance was sought from a friend who channelled healing and information, and with much other dimensional help, the one who had had sovereignty came back. On his return, he had no memory of any of the events of the past few days.
He seemed to be the same, and yet. . . .similarly, possibly, as when there has been an affair, now there existed a whiff of betrayal. A hint of more than the two of us . . .A sense of separation – when might the next thing happen? When might the next one come through?
POSSIBLE NEW PARADIGM TO VIEW RELATING/HUMANITY THROUGH
FEAR BASED LOVE BASED
LEVEL OF INTERACTION
BETRAYAL SPIRITUAL CONNECTEDNESS
RETRIBUTION EGO/PERSONALITY INCLUSION
(SOCIAL SURVIVAL)
CONTROL MAMMALIAN/ RELATEDNESS
(INSTINCTUAL/
SURVIVAL)
Anything that sets us off reacting into the LHS column, gives us room, on this planet of free will, to explore the options of inclusivity. Of reaching to beyond the precious little self, to the wider units. Of choosing to free ourselves and thus the others we called into this particular scene in this particular act in this particular play, rather than the divisiveness of staying within our own little separate enclaves.
Perhaps
As observers to our own lives, if we were able to suspend fear, we might make very different sense of ‘life’. If we could leave behind ‘good’/’bad’, ‘virtuous’/’evil’, if we may detach from/filter through the confines of this place, if we could see beyond/within to study the board game we know as ‘reality’ – would our belief systems cope? What if we were here as a many dimensional occurrence? What of it were not really just words – a spiritual being having a human experience?
What if it were so that some of us came through too vulnerable to be unsupported in this reality, as separate entities? What if it were part of our mission, past the soppy love songs, but a spiritual imperative that we were to be co-joined?
Possible Different Reasons for Coupling
Spiritual here to be individuals in duality, yet completed as co-operatives
as couples.
Social/herd animal financial/young-socialising units.
Physical/mammalian biological replication
(The lower two being the usual human marriage/mating scenarios)
Raison D’Etre
What if there is some initiation process quietly occurring? What of some of us are living very different lives, hiding within the masses? Being here with no role models, no guides, no rites or encouragement, no manual, no rule book, just our previous socialisation to refer back to. And that being at variance with our inner sense of being. To be reinterpreted as being ‘needy’, ‘damaged’, ‘too emotional’. (by others who are still locked within their own cages of “this” means “that”) . . . . and all the while being aware that moving forward needs to be in tandem.
What is a Person?
What if we actually were
Consciousness driver
Ego/personality personal self, ‘person’, occupying time and space
co-ordinates
Physical vehicle
What if some of us nudge up against all that we had to do before the vehicle is due for expiry, and we have a changeover - Of driver?
What if some of us slip tortuously through the rules set to play the man/woman game, and we make it through round after round of lust/love/hate? What if we finally realise that life is simpler with a mate? That we are actually in need of loving touch, companionship and tenderness? Referring to the RHS of the column, being appropriately partnered keeps us relating in the physical, feeling included in the social, and connected as our spirituality is SO activated through sexual communion, tantrically.
To be able to line up, in clarity, through love, all aspects of self – what then?
What if we finally rid ourselves of the judgements, fears and conditionality that pervaded our younger relating?
What if those some of us lie wilting and gasping, as we try to make it alone in this parched place, where ‘each man for himself’, ‘dog eat dog’, and ‘winner take all’ rule? What do those of us who are here for a new order, to spear-head the coming wave, do in the meantime? – How do we stay on the connected/inclusion circuit? How do we disengage from the retributive mode, when no strokes, no sense of belonging are ours? How do we stay here, in isolation?
What if, in arriving here as a new driver, we need to undo all the past, and to stay grounded, to be able to be centred, we need the connection with another? What of it is imperative that we move from the old ways? What better saboteur than the man/woman programmes to egg us forwards?
The most to apparently lose may give us sufficient incentive to change.
Happy Ever After?
We all are raised within the illusion that there is a special someone, who will transform us. The pop songs, the love ballads, the tales in woman's magazines, the fairy stories and the total cultural expectations all groom us to define ourselves WITHIN a happy couple. Not
happy, regardless of external relationships.
To be defined WITHIN one. And, if not in one, somehow deficient. What if we really go through the coupling process to experience a part of life that we need? That place where we currently find ourselves IS perfect, not forever, but in that moment, maybe to spur us on and out of it. To assist us to focus on the process, rather the destination.
Maybe all the energy expended in trying to stay together, of resurrecting what was/could have been, and of being whatever it takes to stay put, is the very reason that there is such turmoil. Perhaps in the letting go of desired outcome, anything is possible.
Maybe a successful marriage/ relationship is one where one or both transform themselves. Not one which drags on interminably, hovering over the same spot year after year, but one which measures how far beyond the starting point they can each reach. From the delicious lusty, love saturated catalysing start, bells, whistles, and magnetic attraction, cycling through the letdown and return to separation, back to self.
A marker of success perhaps reframed to be the inner opening. The internal letting go. and the freeing of spirit.
What of my Soulmate?
Where is that one? This is not a 'happy ever after' story . Hollywood has not touched this tale.
Not necessarily always comfortable, not always what my personality would wish to be happening, but always the prompt I have needed to move past that which is holding me back within myself. A gift. No longer within the physical sphere I inhabit. Always within the memory, as a bench mark, a knowing that here may be more, in this ‘here’, and what is very possible as a consequence of our stepping outside who and what we believe ourselves to be.
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Relationships 