Expressing ourselves lovingly and spontaneously is one of the pleasures within a committed relationship, which can deepen as we grow together. The process of becoming a family often changes how this may be achieved, and throughout the years (as a mother of mostly adult children) I know that this often takes second place to the mothering and general parenting input that appears to swell and swamp all resources.

Having realized that life will never be the same, [sometimes it is the constant sameness that has you forget that they do eventually leave home physically, and then if you manage to switch off their presence in the worry part of your mind, they are actually ‘away’)] – we still ourselves need the lover within time and space to be.

Often being a sexual being is washed away in the surges of exhilaration, exhaustion, and ecstasy of the new one, and then the hormonal tides inherent in suckling and sharing your body with another new one – where is there room for dad in all this skin – to – skin and co sleeping?

Then there is the little battle of wills – sleep deprivation even in a non parent tends to make all a touch snappy and less welcoming of MORE stimulation, when the need to roll over to recover is uppermost. The loving connection is the glue that holds us together as a mammal and as a couple. Sometimes we forget this.

1 - SETTING THE SCENE - WHAT HELPS THE AMNESIA (SEX IS GOOD)?

EXHAUSTION – can be assisted by taking a very good B complex (I always suggest the Tresos B Plus – at the dosage of a half a table at SIX times daily. The supermarket and even boutique pregnancy ones are all marketed for sales, rather than effect - when lactating, not sleeping and recovering post birth, excellence in all that goes in the mouth is to be aimed for.

The need for Zinc has been covered elsewhere, (take every day as a liquid or powder) and the article “Teething and Zinc’ says it all, and can be found on www.heatherbruce.com.au. Suffice to say that maternal good humour is necessary as is sanity gained through sleep and blood quality replenishment – see later). Magnesium is something we need vastly more of when stressed – and when we do not have it (I always suggest as a powder or liquid form, as digesting tablets is dependent also on being NOT stressed). When less Magnesium than should be, we are twitchy, can’t handle noise, get very tense, muscles cramp and spasm eventually and we are not likely to handle daily life, let alone the sexual possibilities, as to zone out unconsciously becomes the body’s way of trying to regain equilibrium.

Chinese herbs – a good blood tonic is often an instant ‘fix’ and I have often been rung the same day by a lactating mother has started on them, querying whether it is ‘psychological’ as she feels so much better ALREADY after a few doses. (Please look to other articles on www.easybabies.com.au regarding the connection between our blood energy and our woman hood).

ADEQUATE MATERNAL NUTRITION - PROTEIN/PROTEIN/PROTEIN

When breastfeeding and recovering ourselves, we need the building blocks, and a quick something in the mouth to assuage the growling tummy/vague out does nothing to grow good body for either bub or self. This then starts the low blood sugar roller coaster – and reaching out for sugar/chocolate and caffeine/plus all those bakery products. This flows onto a baby who is wakeful and less likely to tolerate mum’s attention to be elsewhere.

2 – IS MY BODY UP TO IT?

An intact perineum is more than up to the task. (See below). Good preparation and good midwifery and leaving nature to its own plans usually works. Sexual action assists the return to muscle tone. Whilst we have a medical guide of 6 weeks after birthing – possibly for rigorous and sustained intercourse, there are degrees of sexual intimacy. Our uterus is repairing itself, and needs initially no harsh knocking, yet we as a culture do tend to have a skewed idea of what intercourse is/can be – more male orientated.

If we use the energy take – whether Taoist or tantric – we may find another way. Is it intimacy or orgasm we seek? Mum needs her own cup filled also. The ‘morning and evening devotions’ spoken about in “What Every Woman Would Like Her Man to Know About Sex” and Dianne Riley, are a good example – the semi erect male organ can be inserted and left to be whilst both lie in love with each other . . . . . love flows when we are open . . . .

Infection always seems to be a lurking worry, yet it is very important to realise that good nutrition, plenty of sleep and loving communion all allow the immune system to over ride all. The fertile garden is required for a seed (infection) to take hold . . . . The happy factor, being the beloved and being included and both as one, is such a blessing in early parenting, and eases the depression, the loneliness of being in a house whilst life goes on outside, and the sleeping and other issues. The flow of yummy sex hormones can only help breast milk and all other tides that wash over baby as mum is getting also her needs for touch and bonding met. Dad can only be there even more when he is attached at such a deep level.

I personally suggested therapeutic sexual connection on day 5 after a forceps delivery and large baby, as the resultant poor nursing choices had left me with a massive internal vaginal prolapse. As I had rigorously massaged and oiled my nether regions for the preceding 10 weeks (uterus ready to expel baby from 29 weeks) I had a strong and happy perineum. I realized some sexual action would assist the tightening and inner strengthening, as I had been offered an operation to repair after weaning. Day 2 before milk had even come in.

Other births would not have allowed me to even think of this, but really good preparation and an inspired obstetrician who was acting conservatively and compassionately allowed this to happen. No unwanted side effects – the vaginal wall strengthened . . . . I know this is NOT what is offered in mainstream, but this is a woman living in a woman’s body, and waiting; even considering weaning was not an option.

A damaged perineum may slow this down considerably – aim to hasten its repair. In one case – I suggested the mother of a 14 month old baby who was still unhealed from a vaginal tear, do the moxa, massage and pelvic opening as in the “What Dads Can Do” manual and DVD. She did, and within a month they were both able to love physically again.

Normalizing is what all this preparatory work is about. This is not within the range of standard medicine, but women have been living in their bodies and assisting others to heal for a longer time than we have been listening to the rational mental models. Anything is possible is we give the body the correct ingredients for healing.

3 - DO I FEEL LIKE IT?

Please see point 1 again.
Our Liver channel of energy flows all through the reproductive tract - inner and outer – and also up to and around the breasts. If we are not at one with ourselves emotionally, we get stuck. (See articles on Stuck Liver Qi on www.heatherbruce,.com.au or in the ‘What Dads Can Do’ manual). This alone leads on to mastitis. This angst also gives rise to more aggression, irritation and anger surges – often expressed as everything from irritable bowel syndrome and depression, to arthritis and cancer. Feeling precious/brittle and unlistened to are all side effects of having little inner nourishment (sleep unbroken and not replenishing ourselves). A cycle of relationship fracture once begun. The third (or new) person in your lover relationship has a place, but not that of replacing each other.

4 - AM I TOO DAMAGED?

Post traumatic stress is where a number of women find themselves after birthing in our current culture. Until something is done to return us all to gentle birthing, without violence, this emotional refugee status that many find themselves in, will continue.

The birth trauma vibrational drops are not just for distraught, sobbing, sleep scared babes – mums and dads also sometimes need the healing gently available.

“Am I too damaged?” and “Who am I now?” are really relevant questions, and outside the scope of this article. Please see someone like Jane Campbell – Kaye (teacher of the Yoga Baby –like instructors). She is now specialized in Gestalt work with women and their birthing related issues.

5 - DO I WANT TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN?

Again – we can look to sexual intimacy without even intercourse – and definitely use our knowledge of body’s to playfully and lovingly negotiate the brothers and sisters awaiting.

6 - BABY’S PRESENCE

In the bed? A (warm) hot water bottle well wrapped and left in clothes you wear next to baby might kid it there are still people whilst you rediscover other venues close by.

CONCLUSION - SEX AFTER BIRTHING